and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
