we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
