He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
