history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
