I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She bit a glass in half.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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