i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
