I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
birth control should be required to get into college
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
