what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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