I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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