I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
