There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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