the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
