I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
