Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
