If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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