Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
