I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm sobbing to NWA
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
