did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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