my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
