i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
