You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
