video games are the ultimate cock blocker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
