just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
