Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
