I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
