Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
