I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
