i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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