i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
