The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
