he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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