Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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