i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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