i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Semen is not good for contacts.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
