i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
