rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
