Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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