he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
