Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
