You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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