Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
