you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
