i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
