I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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