I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
