While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
