Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
