dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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