your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
