Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
