I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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