Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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