Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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