I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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